Better today...

Feeling better today. My heart isn't having the missed and extra beats as it did yesterday...and so far, no chest pain! Thank you to all who have prayed for my health. Please continue as I'm still not out of the woods yet. The medication is making me dizzy and sleepy! Ugh!
This is going to be short...can barely stay awake...must snooze for a short nap! Later, y'all

Stronger every day...

Hi y'all, thanks again for your prayers for my health. I'm getting stronger every day, except for much bruising across my chest from the seatbelt. Still recovering from the minor heart attack...on higher meds to keep the arrythmias down to a minimum though. It makes me very dizzy if I stand quickly...so I try not to do that! LOL!
I've been practicing yoga to relax and thinking positively that I'll be off the meds soon and returning to my regular exercise regimen soon! Also singing aloud with no complaints from the neighbors...YET!!! Perhaps I should sell tickets? HMMM..... Nice idea!!
Well, I must scoot...bad t'storm brewing in the neighborhood! Love to walk in the rain, but NOT when it's lightning! I have no death wish!!! LOL! Have a great night! Ciao!

Getting better every day!

Hi y'all, I'm getting stronger every day! Thanks again for all the prayers from my Twitter followers! They really do help! I'm @IndygirlBL on Twitter...for all who care to follow!
It's catharctic to write about my feelings on this page. Even if my ex-friend will never read these things I write about, I hope that Jesus will soften his heart & remind him of why he used to follow me in the first place! And to remember all of our late-night into the wee hours of the morning talks that often made us roll with laughter. I only wish him the best in life with his son, his business, new website and with a great life in general! And to finally tell him that I never lied to him & would certainly never hurt him because I loved him! And still do! I don't know why he couldn't stand my enthusiasm for life...Tony Robbins would encourage it! And, finally, I don't why he suddenly hated me...I never did anything to my knowledge to incur his wrath!
Bye for now, y'all! I'm getting better every day with friends such as you!

A better day ahead...

Hi y'all, thanks for all the prayers for my health! I'm feeling better today, but with even a minor heart attack, you don't know what will happen next! I need to try not to get over-excited in the next few days, I guess! Hopefully, I'll get stronger in the days ahead and be able to start my regular exercise regimen again! For now, I'll concentrate on yoga...which is excellent, especially if you need to relax!
I'm looking forward to better days ahead...trying not to dwell on the loss of my ex-friend! I do want him to succeed with anything he does...just wish he had trust in me! I certainly did have trust in him! Even now, I have no animosity towards him. I must go on & continue writing my Thrillers, children's books and illustrations. I may even write a song about my heartache...they say that life & loss make you stronger...we'll see!

Lies or truth?

My ex-friend accused me of trying to get something on him...wish I had thought yesterday to challenge him to a lie-detector test! I would have passed with flying colors, but I don't think he would have accepted even that! Lies or truth? I try never to tell lies...you have a tendency to get caught up in them and that's not a good thing! The truth is generally the best policy! But even the truth can't save someone who is innocent of charges against them! Truth doesn't always prevail...He should know that, but not in my case, I guess!
Lies or truth? Truth or lies? I guess it really didn't matter to him that I'm innocent! Only time will tell him, I guess, when nothing happens to him from my end! It's so sad when people are broken up because of misunderstandings....no one wins in the end...and one or both cry into the night and awaken with only the lingering sadness that remains....lies or truth? I'll take truth any day! But he didn't....

Post accident

Hi y'all, I mentioned before that I had a car tire blowout at 70MPH on a very busy freeway. It made a deep bruise across my chest from the seatbelt. Anyway, early this AM my ex-boyfriend fought with me...it was really bad and i started crying for hours...deep sobs...then I had a minor heart attack that is being treated with meds. He wanted to hospitalize me, but I refused...didn't have the deductable for insurance! But I'm home now, on bedrest for the next 2 days,but must return to ER if it continues. My veins decided to go to Hawaii & left me at the ER without good veins! LOL! I'll let y'all know how everything turns out. Have a great weekend!

A somewhat better day

Well, today has been a better day...I know they will alternate good to bad to worse occasionally...hope most are better though! You run across a song that you both like and the tears start to fall...you run across names that are familiar and the tears start to fall again! Hopefully there are many more good days than bad and I can begin to enjoy my whole life again!
I used to be upbeat most of the time...but lately, it's difficult for the happiness to surface completely! Oh for the depths of forgetfulness to rain upon me! Maybe someday...hopefully someday SOON!

Getting on with life...eventually

Hi y'all, well I was in an accident yesterday afternoon...my tire blew out at 70MPH...fishtailed all over the freeway...back tire, thank God, or others would have been hurt or worse! I am very bruised & shaken up, but nothing broken that I can tell so far! I ended up in a ditch...I'm soooo glad my nephew was not with me then! I had just let him out awhile before!
Anyway, I am slowly trying to recover from a broken heart. It will take alot of time, I know...just wish I could talk to him once more so we could correct all misunderstandings! Things were said by both of us...I looked back to see what was said by both...we BOTH misunderstood & were talking angrily AT each other by e-mail rather than TO each other! Is there a rewind button? Sure do wish I could push one...those conversations were really BLOOPERS! BUT...no such thing & he won't listen...not now...Can't go back and have to go forward now...to brighter & better times, I hope! Wish my brain would tell my heart that it'll get better.
Tomorrow will be another day....

Missed...not forgotten

Well, today's a brand new day. I really have missed talking to my friend so much. We used to talk all night on IM and today is a particularly difficult day. It nearly always was the day we'd talk more than ever. I doubt that I'll ever forget the things we used to talk & laugh about. But, I will never tell a soul what was said. My best friend can't understand why I remain loyal to someone that hurt me so badly. I say...a promise is a promise. And I promised I would never tell anyone and that includes her!
I wish he could give me another chance...I think I see what happened when I look back at the e-mails between us. I can see where he may have taken what I said about the website wrong now...funny how clarity comes after the fact and not before! Actually, there's nothing funny about it! They say hindsight is always 20/20 and they're right! But I'd give everything I have to be able to go back and see before it happened! I wouldn't have gotten angry and said some things that I didn't mean! And I would have stopped before hitting the send button in anger! It would be so nice to have a rewind button in life...you could fix all bloopers with ease! But, not so in real life! We hurt each other and I can't do a thing about it but pray that Jesus would deliver a message to his heart for me that I need another chance to talk awhile with him to clarify some things! I would love to see the Crucifix catfish and other things he showed to me...sent shivers down my spine!
I cannot forget him...don't really want to either. I was trying to go slower and trying to do all the things he requested. It was hard to do some of them, but I did them nonetheless! He is badly missed...but not forgotten!

A better day is coming....

Hi y'all, well I hope a better day is coming soon! While today is beautiful and less humid than in the past month, I'm still having trouble noticing the things that God has created outside! I see my little chipmunk that I named Chester...actually he's getting quite big...I feed him fresh peanuts...and he has a 4-story condo under the planters that adjoin my porch on either side! They do a lot of damage, but he is so cute...I would miss him if he didn't say hi every now and then! Then there's my cat BooBoo, who is nearly 13yrs old...he has beautiful blue eyes...and he's always happy to see his 'mommy'!
Well, I guess I do notice some things...the green grass...the glorious sun...the beautiful birds tweeting happily! I noticed a mourning dove today...I heard it cooing this morning, as if to say "Wake up!"!
I hope all of you have a glorious day today...maybe mine will be too!

A little extra note

And still I will never tell anything that was told to me in confidence by him...I promised & that's that. I guess I'm nice to a fault, but I try to keep all promises. My best friend says I don't owe him that, but if I break any of the promises I made, then what does it say about my character? It wouldn't say much! So I will remain silent till my dying day!
I said this was to be a short note. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll pick a much more cheerful subject! But first, I need sleep. Things always get put into perspective after sleep...the forgetfulness of sleep!

Forgiveness

The first step in my healing is FORGIVENESS. That is difficult, but I must forgive the craziness, the distrust, the making me walk on eggshells to keep me in line. I refused to acknowledge these things when I should have been able to see. But, you see, I was blinded by love for the person I thought he was. Down inside, I'm sure he still is, but I can't worry about it anymore. He has blocked me from contacting him & I will no longer try to reach him...I'm tired of trying to explain when I know I didn't do anything wrong except to give my love to a guy that can't accept it. I was too enthusiastic...I'm sorry, but I gave everything I had...but I guess it was too much!

I hope I don't get to be distrustful when, as my best friend says, the right person comes along. I'll probably be wary, to say the least. But I was ripe for the picking...not now...but then I guess I was THEN! I guess I was merely a babe in the woods...didn't know much in my semi-sheltered life. Well, if nothing else, he educated me about that! I will thank him for that! Not that I didn't know about things...I'm not that naive...I just had no direct contact except through my nursing career. I'm not sure I'll be able to trust anyone again as much as I trusted him though. Give me a gold medal for being gullible and too trusting! Wow, I won the GOLD for idiocy!
And still, after all he's done to me, I wish him the very best in life...I hope he will find what he needs...it certainly wasn't with me. What will be, will be!
I will be successful myself. I am a writer of Romance novels, Thrillers, Children's books. I do illustrations for those same books and some for my brother, Ron. He is a published writer of the Thriller "The Seventh Sense"...I am very proud of him for following his dream. And I am a Registered Nurse...currently not working because of an accident & recurring knee problems. But I will survive...It will take time, but I WILL SURVIVE!

Back to normal

Things will return to normal, soon I hope. I've cried rivers of tears and I'm sure I'll cry alot more, but I will make it to another, better day! If a person can't accept you for who you are inside, you're really better off without that person! If you have to walk on eggshells everytime you talk & wonder what will set a person off next, yor're better off without them! If you know you didn't do anything wrong & that you always wanted the best for that person, then you will survive without that person!
I know all of the above, and yet, I still wish things would have worked out. The caring person in me still cares for him...no matter what! Grrrr...wish I wasn't so nice sometimes...wish I could have a steel cage encompass my heart for at least a little while! But, perhaps it is best that I can grieve the loss of what could have been...I can still be the caring person that makes a great Nurse and a good person!

Time to Heal

Well, it's time to get back to healing myself...and getting back to doing what I do best! My Nursing whenever I'm healthy enough and my writing. It takes time to heal from a broken heart. But I'm a survivor. The Nursing will come back when my body finishes healing itself. The writing I can do anytime. So...back to doing it in earnest.

Another lonely night...on my own...

Here I am waiting for sleep to take hold of me...I decided to take something to help so I don't cry all night again.Just another lonely night...on my own...while the ghost of what could have been taunts me. I don't know what to do to rid myself of this dead feeling that invades me throughout the day and night and elicits my tears repeatedly. I feel numb...yet I sob with body wrenching tears that don't stop but for a few minutes here & there.
How could he forgive me for saying what I did? Although he had hurt me to the very essence of me by discarding the work I had done for our joint venture of a brilliant website! And when I tried to go through the same company that he used so that I could make a website that I wanted to blow him away with! But he said I was stealing his website after stealing his Twitter followers. All I wanted was for the company to be so successful & hopefully appeal to everyone throughout the world. We were supposed to be partners, and I really wanted him to be successful so he could provide a brilliant legacy for his son, who is just starting college.
I guess he got what he seemed to want all along...he got rid of me! The thing is I would never have left him because I fell deeply in love with my crazy Canadian that affected me in so many ways that I walked around with a silly grin on my face. I would have married him so we could both reside here and help him become a US citizen. And everything he told me about his life will remain in confidence till the day I die. I promised I wouldn't tell anything& that's that!
I hope he finds happiness, which he didn't want to enjoy with me. He hurt me everytime we got close. I care about the bad things that happened to him and wished I could have taken them away, but that's impossible.. I hate what it all did to him because I saw the tender nice man underneath all the pain & fell wildly in love with him!
I hope he is able to see his son soon because I know he misses him terribly.He seems to be a fine young man...much like his Dad, I'd say.
I hope his website goes viral...globally as he wishes...I thought it would be both of us, but... I want it to be a brilliant legacy for his son.
I wish you ultimate success...I didn't mean to fuss at him, but i didn't know what to do. I promised I would never leave you, and I won't! I will always be beside you in spirit since you don't want me in real life.And I'll always miss our all night chats...and I will remain there with him as Lady Luck forever.
I'll never let the USA forget your Heroes Highway...as long as I can write, it will stay in my heart. And so will you. You will always be NS to me & I'll always be MM...kkk, my love.

Gone...but not forgotten

Well, it's one day after the worst breakup...he's gone, but certainly not forgotten! Oh to drink of the waters of forgetfulness...to leave behind the only man that made me feel so alive...that I trusted openly through thick and thin. That to my dying day, I will keep his secrets as I promised I would. Everytime I think about him, I start to weep anew. My nose is red...my eyes puffy...will it ever stop?
I know the answer...it will stop eventually...I truly wish him the best in his future, although he will go on easily without me. I however will always think of how we talked throughout the night till the wee hours of the morning and made plans for the future!

Me again...

This is an appropriate color for the sadness I feel...a loss of a friendship or love through misunderstandings causes confusion...it abounds...words are said in anger that can't be taken back...but still sadness...nothing but sadness is remaining...wish things could be fixed...no bandades big enough for that I guess...still...the caring is still there for him...the need to talk to him again is still there...the wish for his success& happiness is still there...but HE isn't still there...he doesn't trust anyone...not even me....yes, sadness is here in what used to be my happy heart....don't know if it will ever return in one piece again...Although they say time heals all...but how much time I ask...

When it's over...it's over!

When a relationship...whether friendship or love...is over, it's over! Sometimes you just can't keep pleasing someone who doesn't know how to appreciate that you would do everything for the relationship. So you cry and cry and then you go on. You may cry for a long time, mourning the loss of something that you thought was special, but he discarded out of mistrust. Would you take him back? Possibly...would you be willing to go through it all again? Unfortunately, maybe...it was so nice when it was good...but so crazy when it was bad. What is it about the human heart that makes us take someone back repeatedly even though we know we will get burned again & again? I'll tell you when I find out! I will survive...eventually, I may be able to smile about the good times, without crying after the bad ones. Yes, I'll go on...it may be extremely difficult, but I will go on! But I would never tell a soul anything that he told me in confidence...that's just the way I am...a true friend to a fault.

Falling down the stairs

Hi y'all, writing just a bit tonight...fell down 12 steps and haven't communicated for awhile! Real fun, huh? Well, thank goodness nothing is broken, but hurts alot...esp. knees & shoulder! Oh well...working harder on a website design at intervals today. Alot of ideas, but waiting for word from my partner as to where he wishes to go with them.
Haven't felt much like doing Twitter...@IndygirlBL uncomfortable sitting very long. Still need to #FF there as RT's instead. Hope y'all have a nice night & a fantastic weekend! Later....

Good afternoon to all

Hello and good afternoon to any of you that may read this. It's been a weird day so far...trying to get Adobe Printshop to work properly has been a real pain! I need it for the logo I'm creating, but used to the original version & CS4 is nothing like it! Oh well...need to learn the program from scratch...unless I can download the original!
It's extremely hot & humid here in the South...98 degrees in the shade & very humid...Over 70%...makes it feel like 110+ !!!
This one's going to be short as there's not too much to say right now. My cat, BooBoo doesn't know what to do with me today...I try to play with him, but he's hot too...hiding under the bed! It's probably much cooler there since heat rises!

Working on me

Hello again...time to work on me for awhile. I need to get my life repaired before I can ever offer anyone else a whole person! I'm going through the ups and downs of a relationship, or should I say, a non-relationship. It's confusing, to say the least.
I always swore I wouldn't ever get involved in an Internet relationship. Stupid me...I guess you don't always get what you want in life. I am an enthusiastic person about things, but I've always been wary that people are not always what they seem, especially on the elusive Internet.
People can be anything or anyone they wish to be...even present different personas to the world. So why would anyone ever believe what they see and hear on the Net? With a webcam and alot of communication, I guess you can believe anything.
I am basically what I communicate to the world. I don't have any ulterior motives for wanting people to succeed and I genuinely love to help people. That's why I've always been suited to be a nurse...I tend to go all-out to make a person feel comfortable in their own skin.
So now it's time for me to become comfortable in MY own skin. Alot of ME time hopefully will make the difference. I am a work in progress, slowly emerging from the cocoon that had me ensconsed for so long. When I'm that butterfly, perhaps I'll fly free once again
Then I may venture out again, secure that I am the best I can be...and if people don't appreciate me as I present myself, then it's their problem...NOT mine! I am as I am...hopefully I'll still choose to look at life with wide-eyed wonder of the child within & the adult that chooses to see the glass as half full rather than half empty!
Bye for now...

The first of many

Hi y'all, this is my very first entry & hopefully one of many! I've been writing on Twitter all morning and it's totally different here, having much more area to write than 140 characters! And only 120 if you want anyone to RT or re-Tweet your message!
I love to spread the message of love, hope & peace on this earth. The change starts with me & you! If we turn our negative thoughts into positive ones every day, then we communicate to others to do the same! And they in turn do it to others, etc.! Eventually, the world hears our greetings of love, not war, and hopefully, responds in kind!
A very good friend of mine on Twitter, who resides in Canada...outside of Toronto, Ontario, told me of something the other day which I would like to pass on to the world. He told me about the Heroes Highway that runs from Trenton to Toronto. It is lined with policemen and people, welcoming their fallen heroes from Afghanistan. The brown boxes are transported with a police escort to their final resting places! There are 50 bridges along the route, full of people from dawn to dusk. These men & women have given their lives in a war which seems to have no end in sight. It started with 9/11 & continued with trying to find Bin Laden, but most people in the USA where I reside, are unfamiliar that so many Canadians have given their lives along with our own Service Personnel! So I would like to honor those fallen Heroes now & to bade them RIP beside our Heroes that reside here. You will never be forgotten. my friends from Canada, by me or anyone that reads my blog!